Fix me or just conflict me
by LauraMoser
Summary: Ryden, plain and simple.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note:** I hadn't wrote anything in a long time, and then this came to me. The idea of the band breaking up because it was not only hard for them to agree musically, but because Brendon was actually becoming really attached to Sarah and that hurt Ryan far more than he was willing to admit, just sounded really good. This is most of it, at least for now (or Chapter one.) I hope you enjoy. :]

Brendon lay in bed staring at the ceiling, as he felt a light movement in the bed. In some ways he couldn't help but hope that Sarah kept sleeping, that she was just dreaming and getting comfortable. She did seem to move a lot – Brendon just wanted to be lost in his thoughts, the thoughts of everything that had been happening to him over the last 2 years, or so. He felt a hand against his bare chest as her cheek brushed against his shoulder as Sarah cuddled up against him. He let out a soft sigh as she kissed his chest.

"Sleeping?" She whispered softly, sleepily.

"On and off," Brendon tried to sound groggy, and he wasn't sure if he pulled it off, he hated lying to her, but this was about the only time he had time to think and that's the only thing he wanted to do right now.

"Mmm," She hummed as she snuggled her head between Brendon's shoulder and his neck wrapping her arms around him and giving him a small squeeze, she really loved him and part of that killed him. Though these feelings he had for her were real, he couldn't help but feel like she was _the other woman_ in his life, even if there wasn't _officially_ anyone else. Brendon glanced down at the woman in his arms, the woman that it would seem he was going to spend the rest of his life with, but honestly he really didn't understand why. He admitted that he loved her, and he did – in some way. She was brilliant, smart, funny and someone he could be himself with – but who was he anymore? He sure as hell didn't know and could he really have someone keep guessing? He kissed the top of her head as he pulled the covers off his frame. "Where are you off too?" She whispered sitting up slightly gazing at him. He glanced back over his shoulder as he picked his boxers up off the floor.

"I just need some water, I'll be back, go back to sleep, babe." Brendon whispered as he watched Sarah out of the corner of his eye cuddle up on his side of the bed, drifting back into the dream life that she believed was something she was pushing herself through to get back to the wonderful reality she had. Brendon shook his head as he walked out into the hallway and down the stairs to the kitchen. Grabbing a glass from the cabinet; turning on the tap, and filling the glass up, taking a large swig and setting the glass down on the counter. Gazing over to where he had left his phone he thought for a moment, before picking it up off the counter. Should I? He thought, before dialing the number quickly and sticking the phone to his ear, it rang once. It rang again – and for a third time before.

"Hello?" A groggy, sleepy, angry voice replied from the other end. It was silent and then, "Brendon? Why are you calling me so late?" Brendon stayed silent, he had only made the call to hear Ryan's voice, just once – maybe it would help him get to sleep tonight. "Brendon, I know it's you I can see your name on my caller ID. This better be really important, I've made it clear how I feel about everything." Ryan said, he sounded a little more awake now, and Brendon's heart sank to his stomach. _What did he mean; everything?_ Brendon bit his lip as he took a breath, he was going to say something, he wanted to say something but the words, they just wouldn't come out. "Brendon stop calling me, I told you it's done, it's over." With that the dial tone began to play in his ear and Brendon kept listening.

"I miss you." He whispered as he let the phone fall from his face, before closing it and setting it on the counter. Brendon couldn't help but feel useless as he allowed himself slide to the floor, curling his knees to his chest. Folding his arms around his calves, lacing his fingers together, shaking his head, why? He wondered. Why did he still care at all after all that had happened, after the words the two of them had exchanged, and maybe their relationship was never _real_ , but it never felt like it was just fiction. It felt just as real as what he shared with Sarah, it least it felt that way. Of course, he was seen as normal now. Fans were starting to question everything about him, and he wasn't sure if he cared about that or not. He knew his fans were incredible, he had said it more than once publicly, but did they really know more about him and Ryan than he did? Could they see through the jokes, and know that those smiles were all really real, could they see his heart skip beats whenever he would speak, or even yell about things. Did they see his heart break when the band left, when Ryan left? Brendon couldn't help but wonder and he had no one to talk to about these things. Spencer still believed that they were better off without Jon and Ryan especially after all the slander that they were spreading around, interview after interview. Brendon didn't believe that it had always been the two of them, it was always him and Ryan; Jon and Spencer were tag a longs. Biting his lip he looked straight ahead before pulling himself back up off the floor. He had better get back to bed before Sarah got up and looked for him. He wasn't sure why she was so worried about him, maybe though she loved him she saw how much pain he was in, even behind the smile. Grabbing the glass of water he walked back up the stairs, moving the covers Sarah instantly moved over enough to allow Brendon to slide into bed. Instantly she wrapped her arms around him once again and smiled.

"I love you." She whispered. For a moment Brendon stayed silent, almost as if he had to think about if he did love her or not.

"I love you too." He said, softly almost inaudible as he kissed her head, "go to sleep, doll." Bring one arm up under his head he stared at the ceiling, closing his eyes, and counting sheep – it was going to be another long night.

"Good morning!" Sarah's wide eyes gazed into Brendon's sleepy ones. "How'd you sleep handsome?" She smiled brightly and Brendon looked around the room for a moment before looking back at Sarah.

"I slept? Uh, I mean alright." He responded she gave him a questionable look before shrugging it off and giving him a quick kiss on the lips.

"Well get dressed, and I'll get you some breakfast. You have to be at the interview no later than 11 and it's 8:30 now." Giving him another kiss on the lips she walked out of the room and Brendon rubbed his eyes. He didn't remember if he slept, and he wasn't sure if he was awake right now. Maybe he should watch Fight Club; insomnia couldn't get worse from watching a movie could it? Or maybe he was turning into Tyler Durden. He certainly felt like he was split up into two different people, with two different sets of feelings, was his life perfect? Or was it just falling apart. Was he broken? Or was he happy? He knew he should be able to answer these questions, honestly, without thought; but he couldn't. So he lied, it was easier than the truth, right? Shaking his head he pulled himself out of bed and walked into the bathroom where he slipped off his boxers and stepped into the shower. He'd have to make this fast, or Sarah would wonder in there with him, and not only did he need to get ready, he didn't want to get _involved_, so to speak right now. He was more confused than ever, of course it wasn't the first time he had tried to talk to Ryan since the break up, but it was the only time Ryan had ever mentioned – everything. It bothered Brendon because he had no idea what he meant by that. Ryan was so emotionally dethatched, that no one ever really knew how he was feeling. Sure he'd smile, but that never meant he was happy – and that killed Brendon, it killed him to know that no matter how hard he tried, he never once knew if he made Ryan actually happy.

Turning the water on warm, grabbing the shampoo and washing his hair before picking up his bar of soap and quickly giving his body rub down. Rinsing, and getting out. Showing took about 5 minutes, at least without Sarah in there with him. She always wanted to play, and hold one another under the water, which was sweet in some ways – but in other ways it made Brendon feel dirty, because he couldn't help but wonder what he'd be doing if he was still in the band with Ryan, if this would have ever happened for them; going public, did Ryan ever feel it? Brendon knew that he did and he didn't know how to un-feel what he felt. He felt bad for using Sarah as filler, but he needed someone to make him feel normal, and Sarah at least did that, most of the time. Quickly rubbing the towel against his body, before pulling out a clean pair of boxer briefs and pulling them on before picking out a pair of skinny jeans and a t-shirt, normally Brendon would be wearing a suit and tie, but today he didn't feel like going through the trouble, in fact. He felt like being a melodramatic drama queen and not go to the interview at all, but Brendon as empty as he felt, he couldn't let his fans down, because if he knew that they'd never let him down, no matter what. He wasn't about to turn into one of those celebrities. He made music because he loved it, and the fans, were people just like him that appreciated it just like he did, how could he let people like that down? Heading back into the bathroom once he was dressed he picked up his toothbrush from the sink and ran it under cool water before picking up the toothpaste and smearing it on the bristles. Shoving the brush into his mouth and brushing. Moving the brush around in his mouth he kept thinking about if Ryan and he could ever have a normal conversation again. Was Ryan just heartbroken because Brendon didn't try to save the band? Or did Ryan really miss Brendon and the fact that everything was the way it was, killed him and when Brendon would call it just made things worse? Spiting into the sink and raising the toothbrush picking up the mouthwash, and taking a mouthful right out of the bottle. Brendon needed to do something about this whole thing, he needed to see Ryan – but where was he? Gargling and spitting into the sink cupping water into his hands and rinsing once more before wiping his mouth with the other side of his hand and headed down the stairs.

"That didn't take too long, why aren't you in a suit? You usually dress to impress." Sarah smiled over her shoulder, from the looks of it she was making French toast, and Brendon forced a smile, and laughed lightly.

"I look good no matter what I'm in, so I am dressed to impress." As confident as he seemed, he was more insecure then anyone knew. She laughed and took the toast off the grill and placed it on a plate.

"Here you are, babe." She said handing the plate to Brendon who grabbed it, and smiled before kissing her on the cheek. It was almost easy to act like everything was perfect, that he loved her more than anything and had no questions about his life – though that wasn't even close to the case; he wasn't sure how he pulled it off so well. He had never been really good at lying; at least that's what everyone had told him, but now? Now that he was in a real relationship, lies just came out as if they were the truth and it was so easy, too easy. Who was he becoming? He walked over to the counter and picked up the syrup bottle and poured it over his three pieces of French toast, honestly, he wasn't hungry – but if he didn't eat Sarah would ask questions about how he was feeling, and those were questions that he didn't want to answer. Rolling one of the slices up, he began eating, as quickly as he could. Forcing each and every bite down, usually Brendon enjoyed food, pretty much more than anything – but recently due to whatever he was feeling, he didn't really enjoy anything. "Someone's hungry." Brendon smiled food still tucked into his cheeks before he swallowed.

"You're just an amazing cook." She laughed as she turned off the grill and picked up her own plate smearing butter onto each slice. He would never understand butter? Over syrup? Maybe that was just his inner Elf, but syrup was the best thing, pretty much in the world. She kissed Brendon on the corner of his lips as she walked out. Finishing off the last slice of toast, he placed his plate in the sink, rinsing it before walking out into the living room, where Sarah was. He sat on the couch wrapping his arm around her waist for a moment as she watched the cooking channel; it seemed to be something the two of them did quite often.

"Someone called this morning, I was going to answer your phone, but I didn't want to have to wake you up." Sarah spoke once the show went to commercial.

"Oh, maybe I should see if it was Zack or Spencer, maybe we have to be at the interview earlier." Brendon was already well on his way to the kitchen half way through his response. Picking up his phone he looked at the caller ID. Jonathon Walker, it read. Brendon's eye brows cocked as he stared at the phone, what in the world would he want? Brendon shrugged his shoulders as he hit redial, and placing the phone against his ear. It rang once, and then again – which is when Brendon thought he should hang up, but for whatever reason he didn't. Then,

"Hello?" Jon's voice rang through the other end of the phone. Brendon didn't say anything for a moment. "Bden? Is that you?" It wasn't like he was talking to Ryan, so he might as well say something. It wasn't like Jon could say anything worse than the things he had already said.

"Yeah, you called?" Brendon responded leaning against the counter.

"Yes. Did you call Ryan, again, last night?" Brendon bit his lip as his stomach twisted into knots, how in the world would Jon know that? Did Ryan say something about it? Did Ryan miss Brendon too, why did it matter so much that Jon decided to call?

"Uh, I might have, why?" Brendon responded, he wasn't sure where this was going and he didn't want to say anything that would incriminate him, or give Jon any kind of ammo to throw back at the band about how far they have gotten.

"Well, he's more of a mess then usual – you know what the break up did to him, and I just don't know why you still try to have a normal conversation with him. It will never be normal again. You have someone else in your life, and it kills him, how easy it was for you to just move on from what it is you had, what we all had." Jon said before Brendon heard Ryan shout something in the background and his heart twisted, as if someone was ripping it out of his chest.

"Where are you guys now?" Brendon questioned.

"Uh, Berlin, I think he's trying to get away from everything." Jon responded. "Just a minute Ry, I'm on the phone."

"With who?" Brendon heard Ryan's voice getting closer.

"Brendon just don't do anything irrational, talk to Zack he'll know what to tell you, but I have to go; Ryan will bitch for days if he found out we were speaking." Before Brendon could respond Jon hung up the phone. Brendon held the phone to his ear for a moment wondering what that conversation even meant. Jon had made it clear that Brendon and Spencer were useless, or pretty much so, and that Jon and Ryan had carried the band – so why was he being so nice? Did he know something that Brendon didn't? Did he know more about exactly what Ryan meant by _everything_ last night? Brendon was about to dial Zack's number when Sarah came into the kitchen.

"So who were you talking too?"

"Oh, it was Spencer, we're needed their earlier. Zack has something to tell us about something. Not sure why he didn't just call us both, but yeah." Brendon responded sticking his phone in his pocket and giving Sarah a small kiss on the lips. "I'll call you when the interview is over." Brendon whispered as he walked to the front all grabbing his car keys and walking out of the house. Getting into the car and driving off in silence. Listening to music always made him think more, though at one point it was more than relaxing, he could get lost in the sound of the guitar and relate to the lyrics, but now it was nothing more than words haunting his heavy heart. He just needed to get lost, without actually losing anything. In a strange way he needed Sarah to love him, even if deep down there was a part of him that was always wondering why he was with her. He did love her, in his own way – but honestly, it wasn't the way she deserved to be loved. Taking a deep breath before pulling into the parking lot before heading inside to the dressing room, he knew that no one would be here quite this early and he just needed time to think; to wonder if things were suppose to be the way they are now, or if he should do something _irrational_ as Jon had eloquently put it.

Sitting down in front of the mirror Brendon took a good hard look at himself. He had changed so much, not physically but the man looking back at him wasn't who he was when he started this. He wasn't the fun loving guy that girls, and guys loved so much. He wasn't the person that he wanted to be.

"Jon, seriously who were you on the phone with?" Ryan couldn't help but wonder; Jon and him since they had left Panic, since they had left Brendon, they had become really close. Though not _that_ close, there had been no secrets from one another, they were always on the same page, and maybe that is why The Young Veins was going so well, at least in Ryan's mind it was.

"I was on the phone with my mother, she is awful worried about you." Jon lied, if he would have mentioned Brendon even off topic Ryan would have closed himself off. Honestly Jon had no idea how Ryan felt about anything that had happened to the band, he didn't know if the two of them lashing out was out of pure jealousy, or if it was Ryan's way of coping with how much he missed what he had started, what he thought was over – that Brendon had decided wasn't at all over.

"You're a bad liar," Ryan responded, quietly, before picking up his guitar and strumming the first few notes to Northern Downpour. Ryan hadn't played any of the other old songs, except Northern Downpour and he wasn't sure why. He had wrote most of all of the other songs, and they were his songs and yet all he could manage to play was Northern Downpour, and he couldn't help but miss Brendon; not the band, not the songs, not the fans, just Brendon.

"Why do you always play that song when you decide to close me off?" Jon questioned looking over at Ryan and then to the ground then back at Ryan for a moment before down at his own hands, he really shouldn't have opened this door. Ryan was very sensitive contrary to popular belief.

"Would you rather I actually do cocaine? Or something worse?" Ryan snapped dropping the guitar to the floor and walking off. Jon quickly stumbled to his feet and followed him.

"Wait, Ryan. Come on you know I don't mean anything by it. I just wish you would talk to me more about how you are feeling. I mean I know that's what girls are suppose to do, but I'm your friend and I hate seeing you like this – so detached from everything. I don't even think you enjoy life anymore – or any of the things you smile for. I think you're faking it, and you have been for too long. If you don't start opening up to someone, about something you're going to lose the things that matter to you."

"You know what Jon, fuck you. Alright I am just fine, and I don't need anyone to tell me I am not. I love life, and life loves me. Just go back to talking to your mom, fuck." Ryan walked out of the hotel room and down the hall. "How dare him." Ryan whispered to himself as he headed to the elevator. Ryan didn't understand how people could think that something was wrong, though he himself knew that something was wrong, something was very wrong; but his life was always wrong. There had never been anything right with it until Brendon stepped in, and his smiles actually meant something, even if at times Ryan couldn't help but have to force them. He had become so numb to the world, all the good and the bad that now that there was something that could make him actually happy – he just didn't know how to handle it. Ryan had grown up believing that he deserved the worst, the nothingness' in life were made for him, and him alone.

Once he was on the ground floor he walked out of the hotel and flagged down a cab, he could feel his phone ringing in his pocket and knew that it was Jon, so he ignored it. If Jon actually wanted to talk to him he knew better than to call him right after the two of them had just had an argument. He knew that he should let Ryan come to him, although that almost never happened – so Ryan figured Jon should have learned by now to leave well enough alone. But of course, he didn't. His phone kept ringing, until it stopped but only for a moment as a cab pulled up to the curb, Ryan got in.

"Anywhere but here," Ryan directed, "actually the nearest bar will do." The cab driver nodded his head and just drove without another word, as Ryan's phone began to ring once again. "Fuck off." Ryan muttered as he searched his jacket for his phone, the only way to stop this was to turn the phone off, finally finding it in his inner pocket he looked at the caller ID. It wasn't Jon at all, it was – Brendon. Ryan took a deep breath in and just before the call would go to voicemail Ryan picked it up.

"Ryan." The voice on the other end, so beautiful so calm and collected, Ryan missed it so much. Even though the other night when Brendon had called Ryan completely shut him off, it's because whatever it was that the two of them shared it was just too much for Ryan to be able to handle. He couldn't imagine being with Brendon without tearing him apart, and being without Brendon would tear Ryan himself apart, but he was used to that self-destructive nature, it was what he always had know, what he always resorted too.

"What?" Ryan snapped back, he really wasn't in the mood for the cat and mouse games the two had been playing since the bad had gotten together, and then since split up. "What is it now, Urie?"

"I, well uhm," Brendon started, he wasn't sure how to word that he missed him, simply saying it just didn't seem like it fit, it didn't feel like they were at all the right words, but saying it any other way, Brendon didn't know how too.

"Brendon I really don't have time for this, I have a date with a bottle of… well really a bottle of anything." Ryan finished off, "if you have something you need to tell me tell me now before I get increasingly wasted, and then I really wont care for what you have to say to me." Now that stung, and it actually hurt them both Brendon stayed silent for a minute before he muttered words that Ryan couldn't even hear. "Urie, I know you are louder than that, just say what you have to say or I'm changing my number the next time I am sober." Brendon's heart skipped he couldn't go without being able to call Ryan when he needed to hear his voice, and honestly? Ryan wasn't sure he'd go through with it, but it was the only thing he knew was to hurt Brendon to push him away. He needed Brendon so far away that there was no way to communicate, even if it did kill Ryan in the process.

"I want to see you," Brendon said quickly feeling his stomach twist into knots in anticipation to what the other male say in return. Of course Ryan felt sick too, he couldn't believe it – Brendon had done something that Ryan had never expected, actually admitting to feelings that should have been long gone, since he had Sarah in his life.

"Why is that? What about Sarah… you can't just leave her." Ryan quickly responded, he couldn't sound as desperate as he was to actually see Brendon, he missed him more than he should of – and he knew that either way this was going to hurt. With or without him, but things always seemed easier without him.

"Why do you have to make it difficult, and bring non essentials up into our conversation? This is between me and you Sarah is not involved. I want to see you, there are no other stings too it. She will not be there, if that's what you think, or waiting long hours at some hotel – I'll think of something to tell her…" Brendon finished for a moment as he tried to sort out his thoughts, "I mean if you want to see me, that is." Ryan's heart skipped, of course he wanted to see Brendon and he wasn't sure how Brendon could think anything else. To Ryan it was very clear that he had made his feelings aware when the band split, which was shortly after Brendon started his relationship with Sarah, and Ryan couldn't bare to watch it blossom any longer.

"Aren't you on tour?"

"Ryan just give me a straight answer," Brendon's voice choked, and he hoped that Ryan didn't catch it as soft tears began to stream down his face. He didn't know why this was so hard, he did have Sarah he had the perfect life, but it just didn't seem worth anything without Ryan.

"Do what you want to do, I've got to go – I'm at the bar. I guess I'll see you when I see you." Ryan hung up leaving Brendon still unsure about everything as he inhaled heavily before he held his face in his hands and allowed himself to cry just a little bit. He hadn't let himself do it, in so long – that it felt good, Brendon wasn't sure that was normal as he pulled his legs up to his chest and hugged himself. After a few moments he whipped his face and checked the clock, Spencer and Zack would be there soon, and he couldn't look like he had been crying.

In that moment Brendon heard the handle on the door jerking before the door began to open, and there was no way for him to gather himself so he was going to have to come up with something, not only that he was going to have to figure out a way to let his fans down without letting them down because he needed to see Ryan, it wasn't something he could wait to do; so he had to go right to Zack. Jon said that Zack would know what to do; the only other thing he needed to figure out was what he was going to tell Sarah, though she was the furthest thing from his mind at the moment as he whipped the remaining tears from his eyes and stood up. He just had to hope that whoever it was would ask no questions, because they would get no answers.

"I just called Sarah but she said he already left." Zack said as the door swung open. "I wonder why he…" Zack's voice caught off for a minute as he walked in the door. "Spencer, go check and make sure what time we are on." With that said Spencer nodded and walked further down the hall and Zack closed the door. "What happened, man?" Zack said knowing he wasn't going to get a real answer.

"You blew my cover, wonderful." Brendon said with a sigh, usually he wouldn't have cared but Sarah didn't deserve the lies he was feeding to her, but honestly? The truth would have killed her, she did love him – and as much as a part of him loved her, he didn't love her the way she deserved to be loved. "Zack I need you to do something for me."

"Anything, just name it." Zack was such a great guy, and he'd do anything for Brendon, Spencer and hell even Jon and Ryan even though they had left the band. They were family, and even an disagreement didn't change that.

"I need to go see Ryan…" Brendon paused for a moment as Zack just stared at him. "I know it's a bad idea, and I know it's bad timing, and I know it's all crazy, but I can't breathe, I can't sleep. Zack I miss him, more than I should and Jon called me and told me that I should talk to you – you are the only other person I can share this with. I don't want to ruin the tour but I don't think I can fake this happiness too much longer." Brendon's eyes began to swell up with tears again and Zach couldn't tell him no, not only because he was crying but because Zach knew he needed this, he knew those two boys so well that he knew how the two of them worked, even if it was twisted and Zach thought it was quite life threatening to have the two boys in the same country much less the same room – he knew that they'd never be alright until something happened.

"I'll make it happen; you think you can make it through this interview? After that I'll have you on the next flight to see him, and I'll make sure that Jon comes to get you." Brendon nodded his head and smiled softly.

"Thank you Zach." It was all that needed to be said

"Oh and I'll take care of Sarah too, it's the least I can do after I told her you lied to her." Though Brendon did lie to her Zach knew he was doing it to protect her, at least he was trying to do well by her. Brendon knew that Ryan and him were never going to be something, they would always have this constant battle and he was just trying to find someone that would make him feel the way Ryan did, the way it felt when Ryan would smile at him – and Zach knew that he was trying really hard to do right by Sarah; it was just hard when your heart was still in someone else's hands even if you did ask for it back. There was nothing more of them to exchange except a few glances of worry about the whole situation, but they'd figure it out, with that they both walked out of the dressing room right to hair and make-up; they had a show to do.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **I know this took me awhile to write and I'm sorry about that. I hope you like it, thus far I'm still not sure where this story is going - if it's going anywhere. Also the Constance thing you will only understand if you know me personally and have been following my fan fiction for years, but its really just a little inside joke. Anyways Enjoy.

Maybe it wasn't the best idea to go to the bar after that conversation with Brendon, but to Ryan he had no other choice. He couldn't go back to the hotel and listen to Jon talk about how Ryan should talk about his feelings, there was a reason they are _his _feelings and no one else needed to know about them, at least that's how Ryan felt. Paying the cabby Ryan got out of the car and headed right into the bar, which he wasn't ID and wasn't really too surprised. Shrugging it off as he walked up to the bartender and said "Bottle of Jack." Ryan placed some money on the counter in exchange for the bottle which he grabbed and took to the back of the bar with him, hopefully regardless of his current mood he'd become a happy drunk, though that was seriously unlikely that he'd make friends. He'd probably get so drunk that he would piss people off that he shouldn't have, but wasn't the point of drinking yourself to oblivion; in hopes that someone will actually send you there? Opening the bottle and chugging about a one fifth of the bottle, when Ryan set his mind to getting trashed, there was no stopping him. For awhile he sat by himself wallowing in his own self-loathing. He honestly couldn't stand himself, he had become exactly who he didn't want to be, his father. Except Ryan refused to put someone thought what he was put through. That was the reason he had for not staying around Brendon, or that's what he kept telling himself. Ryan had always pictured himself alone, even when he was with Jac, or Keltie he was always so alone even when the wrapped their arms around them. It felt as if they weren't even there. Was that normal? Ryan was sure it wasn't, and he was sure it wasn't normal for him to hate himself so much for pushing the one person who made him feel like there was someone else in this world.

"What was he thinking…?" Ryan finally whispered to himself. "Loving me, if that's what it was." Ryan scoffed at his own words as he was now two thirds of the way through the bottle, in just under an hour later. "WHO COULD LOVE ME I AM OUT OF MY MIND!" Ryan burst out, and for a moment things went silent as the rest of the bar casually looked at him, before turning their heads. "Exactly, out of my fucking mind." Ryan whispered again as he took another swig of the Jack, before fumbling through his jacket in search of his phone. Finally finding it he flipped it open and then closed, open then closed, open then closed and finally just opened as he stared at it, before running his finger over the green phone, before tapping it quickly. "I'll show him how much he loves me." Ryan whispered as the phone began to ring.

"So Brendon how did you feel about the break up, and once you finally came back having Jon and Ryan say all the things they said?" Brendon looked back at the interviewer, how could people keep bringing that up. Couldn't they just leave it alone? It hurt more than they could imagine. "Well Brendon?" He persisted.

"Actually," Spencer began as Brendon's phone began to go off. He pulled it out of his pocket and glanced down at the number, it was Ryan… Brendon heart stopped as he shook his head.

"We're going to have to take five." Zack suddenly said as Brendon began to walk out of the room into the hallway, there was no way no matter what was going to happen, or going to be said in this conversation that the asshole interviewer was going to hear a single word of it.

"Hello? Ryan?" Brendon whispered as he continued down the hall to the dressing room where their conversation had taken place before hand. Locking the door behind him, this way there were no interruptions and Spencer didn't come looking to find out who was calling. Everyone the two of them really spoke too knew that they were in an interview, so Brendon was sure that Spencer was going to have more questions then he would have liked to answer.

"Hello Brennybear," Ryan's voice slurred, and it made Brendon feel sick. Wonderful, Ryan was drunk dialing again.

"Ryan, please, don't do this now. I'll be on my way as soon as this interview is over." Brendon sighed, he knew of course that either way Ryan and him were going to play more cat and mouse and Ryan, well he was the cat. Ryan always knew what to say to hurt Brendon, and Brendon wasn't sure why he didn't bother fighting his feelings off. Ryan didn't deserve him the way he treated him, actually the way Ryan treated anyone, Brendon wasn't sure why anyone put up with him. Was it because of his pretty face? Or his velvet voice, or was it just the way he looked at you, even when you looked deep down and saw nothing but emptiness, there was a glimmer of the words _save me_ in them and at least Brendon, he couldn't turn away from it. His heart wanted what it wanted, and what it wanted was Ryan – despite the torment.

"Oh come on Bear, if it wasn't for me being drunk we never would have shared that first kiss." Brendon's face flushed crimson, it was true – but it had never gone further than a few drunken kisses. Brendon wasn't sure if he had ever wanted more than the soft kisses from Ryan's lips. Did he want to go further than cuddling? Brendon knew he was attracted to Ryan, but did he actually want to have sex with him? Brendon honestly didn't know, for sure. Though he wasn't sure he'd be able to back out of it if it came right down to it.

"Ryan, just… please." Brendon couldn't form thoughts he hated it when Ryan was like this, regardless of if it brought out the kisses the two shared, it brought out the worst in Ryan; and it killed Brendon. The things Ryan could say without a second thought, the way he could just tear right though Brendon without considering how it would affect him was an awful feeling. Brendon knew that Ryan was drunk, but after the first 100 times of him doing this, Brendon didn't allow that to be accepted as an excuse, because it wasn't. Ryan was who he was, with or without alcohol filtering his thoughts. Brendon gathered himself for a moment before Ryan began to speak again.

"Why is that you're coming to see me Bear? I've made it painfully obvious that I don't miss your company." Ryan lied through his teeth, but being drunk gave Ryan this odd sense of power, the power that would allow him for a short period of time to _hate_ Brendon even if it was only until he sobered up again, that he realized he really didn't mean what he had said. He just couldn't imagine himself happy, with anyone – no matter how happy Brendon made him feel, he always wondered if it was all a lie. He knew he would never feel the way Brendon made him feel with anyone else – but Ryan knew that he could survive on his own, even if it was only barely.

"There is nothing you can say that will change my mind. I'm coming to see you like it or not." Brendon said firmly, as he choked back tears, again. Fighting with Ryan was always awful.

"Brendon fucking Urie misses my kiss." Ryan muttered, "my touch." Ryan began to grow louder. "His poor girlfriend." Ryan smirked at the phone and Brendon could hear the smile in his voice and it made his stomach twist, the interview was over regardless. He was going to Berlin, now.

"Don't bring her into this, I told you before this is about you and me, about _us_." Yes, Brendon was getting angry, but he couldn't keep fighting with one another over the phone, they needed to do it in person, just one last time; that would do it right? Brendon would realize that Sarah was all he needed and Ryan was nothing more than a fading crush… yeah right. Wishful thinking was now getting the best of Brendon.

"Maybe I should tweet about how you're coming to visit me. And when you get here I can post pictures of us kissing, and holding one another. That's what you want, isn't it bear. You want me to touch you like I used to?" Brendon couldn't hold it back anymore, tears streamed down his face.

"I'll see you in a few hours." Brendon hung up the phone as he whipped the tears away from his eyes. He couldn't understand why he was still doing this, but he couldn't stop himself even if he tried. Taking a deep breath Brendon walked out of the dressing room in search of Zack, though as if today couldn't get any worse he ran into Spencer.

"Brendon, what is going on?" Spencer was actually concerned, he could tell that Brendon wasn't well, he wasn't Brendon and hadn't really been since the break-up, but Spencer tried really hard to be able to be someone that Brendon could come too, but honestly? Brendon couldn't trust anyone with this, because he didn't even really trust himself with it. The idea of loving someone else, while you're in a relationship – yeah, that wasn't something that you trust anyone with, especially when you're not sure of your feelings; well not exactly sure of them. "Who called?"

"Spence, I really don't have time for this right now, where is Zack, I need to leave."

"But the interview."

"Spencer, just drop it. We can reschedule, this can't wait. I know I am starting to sound like one of _those_ celebrities, but just trust me this is something I need to do." Brendon pushed by Spencer, jaw dropped – but Brendon really couldn't deal with this anymore. Walking back into the interview room spotting Zack and walking right up to him, "I need to leave now. Book the flight, I need to get a couple things from the house."

"Uh, what about Sarah?

"Don't worry about her. I'll figure it out." With that said Zack just nodded, he might not have been crazy about the idea but he knew there was no stopping Brendon from doing what he had to do. Zack picked up the phone, as Brendon walked out.

"Brendon?" Ryan whispered at the dial tone he was now hearing. "He really hung up on me, that bastard." Ryan finished off the last of the Jack, pulling himself up from the table and stumbling around the bar. "IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT!" Ryan shouted obnoxiously all eyes on him again some holding a glimmer of hope. "Ew, not by any of you." With that said Ryan shook his head and practically fell out of the bar, waving his hands around in the air trying to flag down a cab. "I need to get a change of clothes. Need to dress to impress I have a date with a boy tonight." Ryan giggled like a little girl. "Somewhere with Bilbo Baggins scarves." Ryan whispered as the car began to move. It didn't take too long before they were in the city where Ryan could find something to wear, though he wasn't sure how well this would turn out. He needed Jon. Gripping his phone in his hand he dialed Jon's number setting the phone to his ear. Ringing once, ringing – and then a voice.

"Ryan, get back here before you get so drunk that you…" Jon stopped as he heard small giggles coming from the other end. "Never mind, you are already there." Jon rolled his eyes and sighed rubbing his fingers against his temples. "Where are you, I'll come get you." Ryan stayed silent for a moment as he gazed out the window trying to figure out exactly where he was. Though his intoxication made it hard for him to actually comprehend all of what was going on around him. That bottle of Jack was a bad idea.

"Ummmmm," Ryan hummed before he leaned forward. "Can you tell my friend where we are going? So he can come and help me find the perfect outfit? Even though I am sure that I will ruin the night regardless, because I am one heartless bastard." Ryan whispered into the ear of the cabby as he stuck the phone to his head. "Go on, tell him."

"Uh," The driver hesitated, "we are headed into down where the strip is." He said and Ryan patted his head as he took his phone back.

"Did you hear that, Jon? We are all going to strip!" Ryan smirked. "Alright Jon, I'll see you soon."

"Wait Ryan, just keep—"dial tone. And Jon almost threw his phone across the hotel room, he was going to need it if he was going to ever find Ryan.

"Stop here!" Ryan shouted pulling a few 20's out of his pocket and handing them to the driver before getting out of the cab walking down the strip until he found a store that he felt he could find something he'd wear. Looking around at all the different button ups, and the vests and the skinny pants, it was almost like Heaven, though Ryan knew that he would never wind up there. Good things just didn't happen to him – or maybe he just didn't let good things happen to him. Either way, this was not Heaven no matter how much it might resemble it in Ryan's mind.

Brendon walked out to his car, tear stained eyes – trying to figure out what he was going to tell Sarah, but there was nothing to tell her. His life was turning into a sitcom. Right now he was on his way to grab clothes to go meet a man, actually the man that made him question his feelings for Sarah, time and time again. Brendon wasn't sure if Sarah knew about everything, maybe she just brushed everything off as rumors, but honestly? Brendon didn't know for sure, and he didn't know how she could love him anymore – he wasn't who he wanted to be anymore. Whipping his eyes once more before he pulled out to the road, mind completely fixed on Ryan – which probably wasn't where it should be, it should be on Sarah. Sarah never said one bad word to Brendon, it didn't matter if he was late – or gone for weeks or months at a time, she waited. She loved the long phone calls and the whispers of I love you's. She was infatuated with the whole idea of her being the one that captured his heart. _Brendon, you should have never wrote that song, though the undertones should have made her realize that though I said I love you – I meant I just like you a lot more than most people. _

Brendon was speeding home, mostly because of how upset he was – but this trip could possibly ruin everything for him. The way he had snapped at Spencer wasn't right, he was going to have to apologize and explain everything – and when he said everything he meant all the way down to the kisses, to the break up, to his feelings for Ryan while being with Sarah, and let's not forget all the fake smiles. This was going to suck. Brendon pulled into the driveway and out of the corner of his eye he saw Sarah poke her head through the blinds. In a way it was kind of creepy, that she waited like that. Glancing in the mirror whipping the tears once more before heading inside the house. _Brendon don't say anything, just get your clothes and get out – there is no reason for you and Sarah to fight, and that's what will happen. Just play it cool and ignore her. _ Brendon opened the door, and so much for not saying anything because just as the door opened Sarah flung her arms around Brendon's neck and placed an ever so loving kiss upon his lips – whispering about how much she missed him while he was gone. Though it didn't make much sense, he wasn't gone for that long.

"Zack called to apologize; he forgot that he had left you a message to come in early – though it turns out that he really didn't need too."

"Yeah, he called after I was already there and since he was on his way already I figured I might as well stay." Brendon grabbed her hands from around his neck and brought them down to her side. "I actually I have some kind of upsetting news." Brendon looked away because he'd be able to see the sorrow fill up in her eyes, and he couldn't stand to see that. "I'm going to have to go to Berlin." Since Brendon still hadn't really come up with an excuse he turned on his foot and headed up the stairs to grab a few things of clothing, but in the back of his mind he knew she was going to follow him up there no matter how much he didn't want her too.

"What do you mean? You just got done with your over sea's tour, can I come?" Shit. Why did she have to become so needy and dependent? In the begging she did her own thing, she was fine with me being gone and Hell we didn't even talk all that much, but now? After those stupid three words had been said, she was attached and there was nothing that could be done to remove her.

"No." Brendon said simply hoping that'd just be the end of it.

"Well why not? You've let me come with you over seas before." Brendon looked up at her and then instantly looked away, he felt his heart sick into his stomach because now he was going to have to say things that he really didn't want too, because she was going to persist if he said it was because Zach said no, because then she'd call and beg Zach and if he said no she'd persist to Brendon about how he had to change Zach's mind and it would be an even bigger mess than it already was.

"Because I don't want you to come, honestly? You don't want to know why I have to go." Brendon was cracking into millions of pieces, what the Hell was he thinking saying something like that – that just was going to make things worse, though Brendon wasn't sure he could feel worse than he already did, but here it goes.

"What do you – what do you mean you don't want me to come?" Brendon could hear the cracking in Sarah's voice and it hurt, too much. Brendon let out a sigh as he grabbed the last of the things he was taking with him and shoved them into his bag zipping it up and looking up to her, he was starting to become numb, but it wasn't exactly comfortable.

"I'm going to see Ryan. Jon called, he's sick and bitching and Jon thinks I'm the only one that can calm him down and convince him to go to a hospital." Brendon just hoped that the lie he just told would make up for the mean things he had said, and it would help her sleep at night. "I'll call you when I land." Brendon said finally as he walked over to her and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "I love you." He whispered, almost as if he didn't want her to hear it. Just as he started to walk away Sarah grabbed his wrist and smiled, softly.

"I love you too." She said, firmly. She meant it with all of her being. Brendon managed a weak smile and walked down the stairs and out the door to the car without another word.

Once Brendon made it to the airport he saw Zack waiting for him. It puzzled him but at the same time he didn't really expect anything less. Walking up to Zack with a blank face and a heavy heart pound against his chest, doing what he was doing made him feel like he imagined people who were about to commit suicide felt. A wave of depression washing over them as the adrenalin pumped its way through, the last little bit of hope that was left trying to hold on to life – and then, just emptiness. That's how Brendon felt, empty.

"Are you sure you want to go through with this? You know as well as I do how bad of an idea this is. I know how you and Ryan are; regardless of the masks the two of you display for the world." Zack really did know who the boys were down the their core, in a way it was kind of scary but at the same time comforting because at least someone out there knew who they were when they had no idea. Brendon simply nodded his head yes. There was no way he could back out of this now, and he knew that this trip was going to cause him probably the most incredible heartbreak of his life; but it needed to happen, he needed to either sever all ties or he needed to give Ryan all of who he was, whoever that was for the rest of his life. "Then if you're sure." Zack finished after a moment of silence, handing Brendon the plane ticket with a soft, meaningless smile just to bring Brendon some comfort, it didn't but the gesture was a nice thought. Brendon sucked his teeth as he headed through the terminal and to the plane. Taking his seat in first class, hopefully there would be no one around to bother him – like in the movies. There is always someone on the plane that talks to you, about everything – for no reason, like you are their best friend because you sit next to them on the plane. Brendon was not anyone's best friend, he had lost his best friend; he lost Ryan. Brendon leaned his seat back, maybe he'd be able to fall asleep – though he doubted it seriously, but it couldn't hurt to try.

"Ryan answer your damn phone I can't have you –" Jon's voice cut off for a moment hanging up the phone and shoving it in his pocket as the cab he was in pulled up on the strip, where Jon could clearly see Ryan. He stuck out like a sore thumb, surrounded by Asians. Jon sighed and shook his head. "Please wait right here." The cabby simply nodded and Jon rushed out of the car running into the store. Ryan was running around the store in nothing more than his boxers and a scarf. Now Jon had seen Ryan do a lot of stupid things but this? This was beyond weird, and Jon couldn't figure out if this had more to do with Bilbo Baggins or if this was something about Charles Bass. Shaking his head as he grabbed Ryan's arm quickly, "where in the world are your clothes?"

"I took them off, silly, can't you tell?" Jon sighed, and shook his head. He kind of wanted to kill Ryan for deciding that he didn't want to be a part of Panic! At the Disco anymore, and since Brendon and Spencer we're a large reason why Ryan picked up and left – Jon couldn't just leave him out to fend for himself, he had to come along. Though the boys had their disagreements, and they might not have all wanted the exact same thing; they did grow rather close, and it was hard for even Jon to say the things he said just to make it seem like he didn't care anymore, 'cause he did – just not as much as Ryan.

"I can see that, let's put them back on."

"No!" Ryan screamed.

"Ryan, don't scream like a child at me. You will put your clothes back on."

"No! They are not pretty enough I need to look pretty for Brendon."

"Ryan, it doesn't matter what you are in Brendon will think you are _pretty _no matter what." Which Jon and Ryan both knew were true, but in Ryan's drunken state he didn't care.

"No, I don't want my clothes. I want these ones, Jon can I have these ones?" Ryan grabbed a pair of jeans and a floral button up off the shelf nearest to him.

"Fine, put those on right now and I'll pay for them and then we have to go back to the hotel. Brendon's flight took off about 2 or 3 hours ago, he should be here soon. You wouldn't want to miss his arrival would you? Picking him up at the airport?" Ryan lit up like a child on Christmas and quickly put the clothes on as Jon went to the counter to pay for the clothes, damages' that may have been caused and for the fact that the woman didn't call the cops. As soon as Ryan was dressed he ran right up to Jon and grabbed his arm and began tugging him out the door.

"Jonny, we can't be late to get Bear." Ryan had so many mood swings when he was drunk he'd be in a good mood about Brendon coming until Brendon actually got there and then it would be a whole different story. Ryan would start feeling the pain that he had drank away for the moment and he'd become angry and he'd say awful things and break Brendon's heart, over and over again with all the words that he would say about how Ryan never needed Brendon; though he needed him more than words could say.

"Alright, alright there is a cab waiting outside, let's get Brendon." Ryan light up and ran towards the nearest cab and Jon followed slowly behind him. Jon felt kind of bad because honestly he had caused all of this, calling Brendon and asking questions but Jon could not stand to see Ryan like this anymore. Brendon or Ryan needed to do something and as shy as Brendon was about the whole thing with Ryan he was the only one that would admit that there was something between them, the only one that would admit out loud that he needed Ryan in a way that he couldn't explain. That Ryan was the one that made him happy, the one that brought him the best things in life no matter how he made it seem. Brendon was the only one that would admit that he _loved_ Ryan always had and always would even if he had been trying for years to brush it off as a crush. Once the two boys were in the car Ryan smiled and wrapped his arms loosely around Jon with a wide smile on his face.

"Thank you so much Jonny, I missed my Bear so much." Ryan almost whined in the cutest way, he honestly did miss Brendon and drunk was the only way he'd ever admit to it. "To the airport, please." Ryan said quickly leaning against Jon's shoulder as the cabby put the cab in drive and headed to the closest airport.

Brendon felt something, or someone brush against his shoulder and he let out an annoyed sigh as a girl sat next to him the only thing he could do was hope that she didn't know who he was – or even better didn't care who he was. She turned to face him and he smiled before looking away, as friendly as he may have appeared on most days, today wasn't one of them he just wanted to be left alone.

"Sorry I didn't mean to wake you." The woman whispered, wonderful it was one of those people that felt the need to intrude into his life.

"No worries." Brendon said quickly as he leaned back into his chair again getting comfortable hopefully and fall back asleep, if that was what had happened.

"Are you who I think you are?" The woman stared at him examining every feature in his face and he frowned, great it was someone who knew who he was and now he was going to have to fake happiness he couldn't be rude to a fan.

"Depends on who you think I am." He smiled faintly glancing between the woman and anywhere else. She was attractive, big hazel eyes that did nothing but remind Brendon of Ryan's and a soft mouth that did nothing but remind Brendon of Ryan's and a round baby face with thick curly brown hair that fell around it, just like Ryan's.

"Brendon Urie, right?" The woman whispered with a small smile. "I went to see you on tour when I was younger the first and second, I don't think I'll have time to see it this year, sadly." The woman frowned before shaking it off without a second thought of it.

"The one and only, it's always nice to meet a fan." Brendon said keeping that fake smile upon his face sitting up a little figuring that this girl wasn't going to leave him alone for the rest of the trip. "What's your name?"

"Constance," she said softly pulling out her iPod, and scrolling though the pictures before stopping and showing one of them to Brendon. "Remember me?" She smiled and Brendon scanned the picture and nodded.

"A little, that was Pretty Odd tour. Zach really hate that headband." Constance laughed.

"I picked up on that. I just wanted to get your attention is all."

"Oh you did, you're the one that yelled at me, right?" Constance face flushed red.

"I can't believe you remember that, and I'm honestly sorry. It's just I had the biggest crush on you, but now I know you belong with someone else." She pulled away her iPod and stuck it back in her backpack. Brendon let out a soft sigh, how could she possibly think that I belonged with Sarah.

"Possibly." Brendon whispered without thought. "Not so sure that Sarah is endgame." It really couldn't hurt for Brendon to tell a fan how he was feeling, or kind of feeling.

"I wasn't talking about Sarah," Constance retorted quickly with a soft smile and Brendon's heart sank.

"Than who are you talking about?"

"I think you know or you wouldn't be on this plane alone." Constance grabbed Brendon's hand and rubbed her soft fingers against the back of Brendon's hand and looked into his eyes. "I know that the heart wants what the heart wants, and if you don't give it to your heart it's going to haunt you. No one will blame you for following the path of love, not Sarah, not your fans, not your manager and not Zack and most certainly not Ryan." The girl pressed a soft kiss against Brendon's cheek and Brendon smiled, a real smile.

"Thank you." Brendon said simply.

"You both deserve to be happy, and I know you know that happiness lies with one another rather than split apart." Constance may not have actually known a thing about Ryan and Brendon and she might have not really known about the complexities in the relationship – but she was right about how the two of them needed one another for happiness, or Brendon knew that he needed Ryan and could only hope that Ryan felt the same way.

"You think he feels it too?" Brendon asked after a moment or so of silence between the two almost strangers.

"I think he felt it before you did. I think that Ryan tried so hard not to feel it that he let you slip away. I think seeing you with Sarah really set something off. I think Ryan wants you to be happy, and I think him leaving the band, leaving you was the only way he felt was possible." Constance pulled out a notebook and a pen as she began to write down words that Brendon could only follow as a story of some sort.

"I love him, you know?" Brendon finally said, he hadn't said it out loud to anyone in his life and he felt like telling Constance that it would be a secret between the two of them, for whatever reason he felt as though his thoughts, his feelings were safe in her hands.

"I've known for a long time." Constance smiled.


End file.
